Note: trigger warning for discussion of suicidal ideation and self harm
I lie in bed, my body dwarfed by the empty room,excerpt from space and time by Adrian Reese
And stare out the window, to that pale pane of light,
To the growing weight of darkness.
I wait……………………………………….and breathe
And wish not to breathe. I take my hand and place it on
My throat. I squeeze just hard enough to make my heart quicken.
I play with a knife I used to use for cooking and press it against
My skin. I want to be,
I want to be anywhere but here.
Being suicidal is the feeling of wanting to be anywhere but where you are, but having no where better to be, no where you actually would feel comfortable being. You feel like you are tearing apart. It’s a quiet feeling, but an incredibly violent one.
I’ve written about being suicidal before. But rarely have I written so plainly or in the present tense.
Maybe that’s why it affected me so strongly? The present tense….it makes the writing more immediate, less distant. I want to put my actively suicidal period behind me, far behind me, and pretend that it could never happen again, but the truth is sometimes I am closer to relapse than I would like.
But yes, I was in a Starbucks writing, and I nearly began to cry while writing this. It’s not often that I am affected like that as I write – sometimes after some time has passed my writing will affect me strongly, but not often during. I sometimes feel a little….hmm, judgmental?…of people who say that their own writing moved them to tears. But here I was, in a Starbucks of all places, struggling not to cry.
Not a place I wanted to be!
It’s hard to admit that these feelings are still so close to me. I hate that I still suffer sometimes. I want to be doing better than I am. I so desperately want that.
But I’m not always doing so well, and when I let myself think of where I was, it scares me and it saddens me. If I think on it too much, I am brought to tears.
Have you ever been brought to tears or other strong emotion by your own words?