Graduation / Culmination

I remake myself in better form,
I take myself down to barest bits,
And deep inside that’s where I find
The wound itself, the dangerous heart,
The dangerous brain, the broken brain,
Where a little figure of me repeats
And repeats and repeats and repeats
A bad time, a hard time, a bad, hard time.

excerpt from the tenth doctor, except this time he says, “I don’t want to go back” by Adrian Reese

First, I’ll apologize for my silence. I’ve been very busy with work and the lead up to graduation, which involved writing a paper that ended up over 50 pages. I really didn’t have any energy to spare to write here! Thank you for your patience, and I’m glad to see you back.

I have just completed all the requirements to graduate. I get my diploma mailed to me several weeks after I graduate. Then I will finally feel officially like I am a college graduate (as such things never feel real until I have proof).

I don’t really feel like celebrating at the moment. It’s the culmination of a lot of effort, sure, but for the majority of it my college experience was lonely and somewhat painful. The education itself was mostly good, but I am glad to be done.

That’s why I included this poem here. I want to remake myself for grad school. I want to be more energetic. I want to be better around the house, keeping my surroundings clean and tidy and cooking as I need to. I want to be more on top of my schoolwork. Most of all, I want to make more friends to have long lasting friendships with.

But I am afraid of repeating the past. I am afraid of slipping down into the worst of my depression, I am afraid of loneliness, I am afraid of failure. I hope I don’t go back to that, but I am not sure yet how to succeed. I want to change my situation and my life, but so far, I don’t know how.

What are your thoughts on your education and your experience of it? What do you hope for in the future? What do you want to change.



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